SCENE ONE OFFICE SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! MISS IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A WELL, I PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD TELL CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN RIGHT NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR? KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE! SAM KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. AND WHAT AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA. SAM: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. BECAUSE IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE APARTMENT SCENE OPENS CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: SAYING IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP. CARLY HELPS UP. ARE YOU ALRIGHT? SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND BACK UP. YEP! THAT FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE. AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY! FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM SCENE OPENS CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? TURNS ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE JEB PUTS HIS ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU DONT CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? I DONT KNOW. SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR PART 4 ROOM OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR 6 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING INTO THE MICROPHONE. THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS! POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN TO SEE. OOH! ELEVEN? CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. WHAT TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE AND STARTS TYPING. WHATCHA DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! CARLY: IS! SAM: FREDDIE SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! CARLY SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: (YELLING) THATS 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.